Compassionate Ways to Support Aging Parents (He Cares About His Older Ladies)

Blakemore Boys (Earnie, Earl, Bob, Ed - taking pic) at a senior living center called Barton House.

On our anniversary nearly 20 years ago my wife wrote the following:

            “He cares about his older ladies, so there is hope for me.”

It was one of the several loving statements she shared with me for the occasion. I do attempt to keep to the adjective “older.” Heaven forbid I ever call anyone "old"!

Two decades ago, I could be found taking communion to several ladies who could no longer get to the church. Once per month I made visitation rounds. I saw each of these ladies through to the end and got to deliver a memorial message more than once. It was a start to my discovery of compassionate ways to support aging parents.

The band I played with for nearly 40 years did a lot of visitations. We could be found with shut ins of all ages, patients in one hospital or another, or residents of assisted living facilities or nursing homes. I realized that a “choir” was more than a stand-up ensemble who stuck to a single venue.

In fact, until late in 2020 I played in another band that visited three or four nursing homes every month. They each had their own Sunday. We got to know the residents and they got to know the music. We did that for 10 years.

So, yes, dear wife, I somehow, in an age where some disparage the thought of growing old, I do care about old ladies.

I grew up in the company of older adults. My grandparents provided after-school and summer vacation care for my sister and me. I learned early on that aging people could be spry, opinionated, busy, interesting, devoted, and on and on. Old as they were they were certainly nothing to be afraid of.

I’ve spent a great deal of effort learning about the avoidable pitfalls of retirement and do a lot of coaching to help retirees get over the hump to find a new engaging adventure during their retirement. But as I age, I realize that there are other topics of importance to retirees who are no longer new to the retirement game.

I began exploring what I called the fears of aging:

•       Fear of becoming dependent

•       Fear of running out of money

•       Fear of death and dying

I’m not afraid of spending time with people older than I am either. As the years pile up, I’m keenly aware of another phenomenon. There are fewer people as old or older than I am every year. In fact, I’ve taken to recommending that retirees need to find younger friends.

Other transitions are taking place now as well. As we ushered our parents through their final years, we watched them face several difficult transitions: Becoming less active, leaving favorite activities behind, giving up their homes, turning in the car keys. It was hard. We often did not have many options, we felt helpless, we wished we could do more.

As my wife and I approach those same losses I started wondering what kind of new relationship we could build with our daughter and her family.

Tell me, how are your conversations going with your parents or your adult children? Are you challenged by the same things we were? How about the same things our daughter was challenged by.

My hope is that you, too, will sense these changes coming on and welcome a place where you can work on the challenges ahead. Help me find ways to share this message.

Yes wife, there is hope for you. Our daughter and her family are on the case with us. Maybe you and yours can work on the path together.

Ed Zinkiewicz

Your Aging-in-Life Strategist